Life is hard. Hard and frustrating. I am depressed because I just feel so tired. Tired of feeling alone. Tired of fighting to keep it all together. Tired of trying to keep a good front when I can't.
I have friends. Very good friends. 2 fabulous friends. The rest are just people I kinda know that I sometimes enjoy being around. True story.
But I feel so alone. My husband did not want to leave the state because of his friends and family. I have friends here to (and family, I am told). And I finally came to terms with the fact that he did nothing wrong. I made the choice that I loved him enough to stay here with him. My problem? His friends and family suck.
When I had the tumor, his mom disappeared after I had the surgery. She visited once when I was in the hospital. For like 5 minutes. Never again. I heard promises of help from her and Amy (who lived in the same dang city) that never happened. My dad was just...
They backed out at the last minute to watch Gabe when I went to have Alex. Pat almost had to miss it. Why? So they could spend over $1,000 on crap for Christmas. Seriously...our kids did not need that much crap. They need their freaking grandparents. His friends say no problem then bitch about us behind our backs. I have been called a lazy mother for asking for help when it had been offered. I have tried to return the favor. No one has ever taken me up on an offer no matter how much I tried to insist. So basically - no one.
Margaret was the only person who ever watched Gabe for us just so we could get out. And now we are an hour away from her. It is not like I made her do it for free (I hope I didn't cheat her, I didn't try). I know Deni would be here if she could. I blame you for nothing, Deni. Honestly, you and Margaret are about the only people I feel I have left to rely on around here.
My marriage could be better. It is hurting again. And all the counseling in the world won't fix it. We aren't ready for divorce or anything. We know why. There is no time for our marriage. Never. Ever. We are just so dang tired by the end of the day. And I can't leave Alex right now. We are ok with that. It is the knowledge that even when I can...we can't. We could just about never find anyone to watch just Gabe. 2 of them.....yeah right.
So the current contemplation is Pat looking for a job in law enforcement in Washington. Close to my family. I am scared of that, too. What if it is the wrong choice? I am scared to leave the friends I have. Scared of the unknown. Just scared. But I can't just keep living this way. I am tired. Pat is tired. Sometimes I wonder how long until we burn out. We are already at a point of mostly coexisting. It is a sad and lonely point. We can communicate. But what about? Neither of us really have any idea what to talk to the other about anymore. Not like we can even have a conversation uninterrupted anyway.
I feel so alone right now. It isn't that Patrick isn't being a wonderful husband, I just feel like there is no one else. My mom keeps telling me I will be so much better when I go back to school. But....how will that fix me feeling alone? I just miss having friends and I feel like I really have no family. I know life has just taken us different directions and it happens. I just... I want someone to cry with when I have just had enough. I want someone to go shopping with. Pat sucks at it and really doesn't like it, though he tries. I want to laugh and just have fun. I don't want to feel alone. I have tried to reconnect with my family down here. But it has all been me initiating everything. The subject gets quickly changed if I suggest they come visit us.
Maybe I am reading too much into it. I just feel like I don't fit in anywhere and sometimes wonder if I ever did. I wonder if I will ever be happy. Like really happy. I want to have people around. I want to have someone besides Pat to do things with. Not like we ever get the chance to do anything, anyway. We have not had a date since....Either early 11 or late 10. I honestly don't remember. I don't even know what can honestly be done about it. I hate talking on the phone all the time. I hate sitting at home all the time. I just... I don't even know.
Ever notice how something horrible happens and logically, a person can know there is no explanation. No reason why, nothing that could have been done to change it - it just happens. Logic tells us this. But still, to actually wrap your brain around it is another story. How can something that causes so much sorrow just be? I think it is human nature to find a blame. We blame ourselves and we blame others. I think this is why things like malpractice ins are so high. Something goes wrong we don't like with no explanation. Blame the doctor. Someone's perfectly good tire picks up something and blows out resulting in them hitting you? Blame the driver. You lose your baby at 7 weeks pregnant? Blame yourself.
I think I am a bit ahead of the game here. I have never truly blamed myself. I have thought back to what I could have done wrong. I just can't figure it out. I took my vitamins every day. I ate well, drank plenty of fluids, tried not to overdo it physically. I prayed for this baby every single night. I took Excedrine before I even knew I was pregnant. I remind myself that if that was the cause, the baby would have miscarried sooner. What's worse, I don't know how to handle it. I could handle having a brain tumor better than this. Seriously. Some off humor. A few tears of frustration. Almost a constant stream of praying. But this? How does everything keep going when we have been so devastated? Why? Doesn't everyone know how bad we hurt right now? How lost we are? I swear I have become extreme bi-polar. I feel okay one minute, in th next breath I am yelling and getting angry over something stupid and then I just start crying.
I know we can have another baby. Logic says this. The child-like voice in my head comes through at this point and says "But I wanted this baby." I had already dubbed this cluster of cells, because that is all our baby ever developed to, Bean. Bean never made it past 4 weeks 2 days. I carried this life for 3 weeks after it stopped. How could I not know something was wrong? I just kept dreaming of kicks, ultrasounds, baby clothes and holding that precious new life in my arms. Now I see that baby just fade from my arms.
I am waiting. In 6 days I get the follow up ultra sound. The one that will either tell me the baby is no longer there and I can move on or the one that tells me my body wants to hang on as much as I do and it will need help from the drs, a D&C, to finish the job. In 6 days, it will all be real. Because after all the bleeding, cramping and the ultrasound showing a slightly mis-shapen gestational sack all to close to the cervix wasn't real enough. Nope. My brain just won't wrap around it. Even though I know it is pretty much impossible (I have ruled out anything being completely impossible in any aspect of life at this point), there is still some tiny sliver of hope in the back of my head that is saying "This can't be real. It couldn't have happened. When I got in next week there will be a perfectly healthy baby close to the top of my uterus. It'll all be okay. This isn't happening to us." I want to believe this voice. But logic keeps me more grounded than that. I really want to believe I can't have such horrible things all happen in my life, much less this close together.
I am holding my breath for 6 days. In 6 days, maybe I can finally really start to let go. Maybe we can begin the process of moving on. I have tried. But I just can't yet. I just lost Bean yesterday. I don't want to let go. I don't care when anybody thinks life begins...Bean's life HAD begun to me. That life was just as real to me as anyone's. So for now I can't take the "I'm sorry's or anyone's attempt at explaining why it could have happened. Logically, I know this. But please, understand that this mother's heart is grieving and no logic will make it better. In 6 days this pain will happen again. In 6 days maybe I can take the first step to healing it.